8 Ways to Act Like A Douche at the Airport

If you’ve been around this blog for more than a couple weeks, you know that I travel for work. A lot. I’m in airports nearly every week and I see a lot of annoying douche bag behavior.  So if you don’t fly a lot, check these out to make sure you’re not that douche in the future. In no particular order, I give you:
8 Ways to Act Like A Douche at the Airport
(or on the plane)
{1} Going through the 1st class security line… when there’s nobody in the regular security line. 
Don’t get me wrong, I love having higher status and being able to sail through the shorter lines when there’s others are incredibly long. But when there is no long wait, I just go through the regular line.
{2} Using 58 bins to put your ish in before going through the scanner. 
You need ONE bin for tablet or laptop and ONE bin for your clothes/shoes. NO MORE. Your millions of bins, plus your suitcase, plus your carry-on bag, plus your shopping bag of whatever you just bought at the gift shop makes the line go slower than it already is. #aintnobodygottimeforthat  I have one word for you: CONSOLIDATE.
{3} Having a loud phone chat while sitting in the middle of everybody. 
This goes for convos in any public place. Walk away from people to have your conversation. Nobody whats to hear it. Any of it. I think I’m going to start sitting down next to these people and having my own loud-ass conversation… and see if they get annoyed.
{4} Flossing/grooming at the gate or in your seat on the plane. 
Nobody wants to see that. That’s why they have bathrooms. If you’re picking your nose, you’d be better be younger than 5.
{5} Bringing your (too) big carry-on bag onto the tiny planes…
…when they’ve made 5 announcements saying you need to leave it on the jet bridge.
When you ignore those announcements and bring your giant ass bag on the plane, then look completely bewildered when it doesn’t fit, then have to cram your way back through the plane to take it off anyway, you annoy EVERYBODY. And you make the boarding process longer than it already is. Listen to instructions, check your bag, or pack lighter.
{6} Get angry when there are babies aboard or crying.
Look, babies cry. They won’t cry forever though. Their ears will stop popping, they’ll get tired, or hungry, and eventually go to sleep. The parents are mortified as it is and struggling to keep them as quiet as possible. They don’t need you huffing loudly and obnoxiously from your seat as a visual reminder that you’re uncomfortable. If you don’t want to hear anything on your flight, invest in some noise-cancelling headphones.
{7} Act a fool in public when your flight gets delayed or cancelled. 
Everybody else on your flight is bummed too, but yelling at the airline customer service rep just makes you look crazy and the rest of the people in line behind you aren’t getting their ish rebooked any faster. Calmly get your flight adjusted, voice your complaint to the rep, and then write a letter/email to the airline. That’s the process. Yes it sucks, but unless you want to get in the car and drive to your destination, it’s what you have to deal with when flying.
{8} STAND in the middle of the moving sidewalk. 
Ooooooh I can’t stand this one. The moving sidewalk is there to MOVE YOU FASTER through the long terminals, NOT for you to take a load off while you get carried from one end to the other. If you need to stand, move to the right side with all your bags and get out of the way of people actually trying to get through quickly.
What are your biggest airport/plane peeves?
Did I miss any?
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  1. Oh, this just cracked me up. I flew A LOT last year and couldn’t believe how much ridiculous behavior I saw. The ‘no liquids’ thing is not new information, and I’m sorry, but those ‘carry-on size’ suitcases are no longer carry-on sized if the whole damn plane has one. Or how about spending the 20 minutes in the security line taking off jewelry, putting change into your bag, taking off your belt, or something more useful than having one of those loud phone conversations? It’d lead to a lot less of a log jam at the bins if everyone prepared a little more. Pffft. Thanks for writing what the rest of us are thinking. 🙂

  2. I hate gate hoarders. You know, the zone 5 people who crowd that gate before zone one is even called making it impossible to board. You can’t tell if they are making their way on the plane or just standing in line like an a-hole. I mean, don’t worry. You’ll get on. Just sit back a relax and let me on the freaking plane!

  3. Dying laughing – this is a hilarious post!

  4. @heather I KNOW. I actually plan my outfit around what will be the fastest in line: no pockets/jewelry and i wear boots so they’re fast to get on and off… ugh.

    @mo YES. i wait in my seat (so i have one) until first class goes. then i make a bee line for the gate

    @anna haha thanks! : )

  5. People lining up before the flight has even started to board DRIVES ME NUTS!!! It’s like, the plane isn’t going to leave without you, chill the eff out!

  6. hahah this cracked me up!!

  7. OMG. i am totally in the middle of writing my own airport post as i have been traveling a lot recently but, basically you covered it. i will just have my readers come here instead 🙂

    PS – you may or may not have a shout out on my blog today. ok you totally do.

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