Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

It’s been 10 months since I ended my marriage. Biggest, hardest decision of my life. Since then, it’s been a loooong road toward recovery. Not that I’m completely recovered – I’m not sure I’ll ever be completely recovered. But I’ve come a long way. Over the past year I’ve learned so much about myself, so much about what I want/need, so much about relationships in general. I learned there’s a lot I didn’t know before I got married…

Also in the last few months, I’ve become the go-to person for all of my friends who have found themselves in similar situations: some divorces, some just regular break ups. Either way, breakups SUCK. Even when you know it’s the right thing to do, it’s still excruciatingly painful to end something you thought was not only going to work, but was going to last forever. I haven’t minded being the one people call on for advice in dealing and healing with their losses. It’s actually helped me in mine.

I don’t have an easy time talking to people when I’m hurt so I tend to hold things in and process slowly, on my own. I didn’t talk about my situation with very many people, but that’s how I roll. When I think it through, on my own time, I get my answer. When I’m ready, I’ll move on.

So for anybody that’s just split (or may be facing a breakup soon),
here’s what I’ve learned thus far.
Hope it helps. 

*You can’t help the way you feel. You can’t change what you feel… no matter how much you might try.
* You can’t help the way your partner feels. You can’t change them… no matter how much you might try.

*Don’t apologize for the way you feel. (Don’t be an asshole about it, but don’t apologize.)

* You have to do what’s best for you. You can attempt to please everybody else and put yourself on the back burner, but eventually it’ll catch up to you and you’ll have to deal with it then. Be true to yourself now.

* Be patient. You don’t have to figure out everything overnight. (This has been the hardest part for me.)

* True love exists. I’ve seen it. Don’t lose faith.

Proof:

* You can’t hurry love. You just have to wait. Thank you, Diana Ross… bitch.

* There are lots of people who care about you and will help you whenever you need.

*Ask for help when you’re ready for it.

*Ask for alone time when you need it.

* If you don’t want to talk about it, don’t.

*Communication is always best. Even when it’s hard, confrontational, awkward, hurtful, etc. Let what you’re thinking be heard. It’ll be easier in the end.

*Sometimes, sad music is good, but there’s only so much Adele you can handle. There will be a time when you need to move on… to the dance mix… and Kelly Clarkson.

* Figure out what you want. Then find somebody that fits/complements that. Not the other way around. 
* Be happy with yourself first, don’t look for somebody to do that for you.

* Just because you two didn’t work as a couple doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. Or them.

* Don’t try to “remain friends” right away. There’s a lot that needs to be dealt with, internally, on both sides. Give that process time. There’s always the future to catch back up, but let the healing happen.

* After the pain, the tears, the adjusting, you’ll be ok. 

And lastly…
* Chin up. 
Don’t worry. 
You’ve got this. 

(Some of these points I already knew, just needed a reminder).

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Comments

  1. Such a great, heartbreaking and inspirational post. I applaud your realness and willingness to share your life, that takes courage.

    I agree with all of your points, very well said. I found after break ups the hardest two things for me was understanding that there wasn’t something wrong with me, the US was wrong AND just taking the time to feel without over thinking. Sometimes the comfort comes from the crying and the tears, because afterwards the weight is gone.

    Two of my favorite quotes

    “The sun shines BRIGHTEST after the rain”

    “The soul would have NO rainbow had the eyes no tears”

    Sending you a *virtual* hug or high five, whichever you prefer!

    xoxo

  2. Thanks, I’m going through this right now and, no matter how many times I’ve gone through breakups, I’m always amazed at how much it hurts. I always wonder if I’m the only one for whom these things are so painful that I sometimes can’t breathe. It’s helpful to remind myself that my feelings are OK. I spend a lot of time telling myself I should just get over it already (BTW, it hasn’t even been a week and a half yet!) or that I should have never been so into him in the first place. The hardest part for me is understanding that there’s no way I can (or should) convince him to take me back. That he just didn’t want US the way I did. I think I’m in the negotiation part of the grief experience. Anyway, I know I’ve been through this before and I’ll be OK, but it can be hard to remember that sometimes. I needed your words!

  3. Sound advice and words. I have a friend that needs this. I’ll be sending it her way. Thanks for posting this 🙂

  4. Wow I think this speaks to every girl in the world. Yes we’ve heard some of these points, but sometimes we need reminders. You are amazing for sharing this and I know it will help out so many people!

  5. what a great post.. thank you for sharing! you’re right..there’s no easy way around it, breakups are awful, no matter the situation. glad to hear you’re surviving and feeling strong! xo

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