09/04

Sneak Attacks…

Warning: Debbie Downer post, comin’ atcha… 

It’s crazy how your emotions just sneak up on you at times and then suddenly consume you. No matter what heavy thing happened in your past, no matter how much you’ve dealt with it, talked about it, moved on from it… it’s still there and always will be. And though you might not get affected by it often, it’ll just jump out of nowhere… and then pelt you with emotions like a firing squad. Wth?

It’s been a little over two years since my divorce and even though I’ve moved on (I am extremely happy with my man-friend) I still think about my divorce daily. It’s my one big failure in life and the pain and guilt from it will just always be there. It sucks because I’m reminded of it all the time:

There are SO many places that have your name on file. You don’t realize exactly how many… until you get married and change your name. Then you get divorced and have to go through the whole process again to change it back. And then you realize there are still a thousand places that have your old last name and you’ve got to call them to get it changed. Then you have to listen to the person at customer service congratulate you on your recent marriage, and you just stop correcting them and say, “thanks” because it’s less awkward than telling them the truth.

You hold back relevant stories sometimes in conversation because you don’t want to open with, “me and my ex-husband” or “back when I was married” or something similarly telling of your status.

Can somebody please tell me why the status boxes on any kind of paperwork always ask you to check whether you’re “Single”, “Married”, or “Divorced”?! You’re either single or you’re married. Why does the divorce box even have to be there? Thanks for making me feel worse than I did when I walked in, Doctor’s Office.

You can never talk about or go to another wedding without thinking about your own… (which inevitably causes tears at the most inopportune times). Listening to wedding plans of your friends, attending weddings, being IN somebody’s wedding… they all dredge up memories of your day. I was reading a book with a wedding scene just the other night and cried because of it… really?! These are supposed to be the happiest of times! I shouldn’t be tearing up! I skipped two weddings the summer of my separation because of this. This gets easier over time, of course, but hasn’t fully gone away yet.

I guess the worst part is just not having any contact with your ex-family… It was my decision to end my marriage and so I completely understand why they don’t care to hear from me, but I do miss them a ton. I was in LA last month, for a conference, and ran into my ex-husband’s aunt at a restaurant (he’s from there). It was so shocking/overwhelming/wonderful to see her that I was in tears almost immediately. She was awesome and we had a short but wonderful chat right there on the sidewalk. I passed on my well-wishes to everyone, not sure about how they’d be received, but it felt good, regardless.

Sometimes there’s just nothing to do but cry. Crying sucks. I hate it. But when the sneak attacks come, there’s nothing you can really do about them…except look back on the happy times, appreciate where you are now, and just keep breathing.

…and then desperately try to get your face looking the way it did before you started crying… (why must we get all red, splotchy, and puffy?!).

Do you guys get emotional sneak attacks? What do you do to deal? 
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Filed Under: divorce
04/03

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

It’s been 10 months since I ended my marriage. Biggest, hardest decision of my life. Since then, it’s been a loooong road toward recovery. Not that I’m completely recovered – I’m not sure I’ll ever be completely recovered. But I’ve come a long way. Over the past year I’ve learned so much about myself, so much about what I want/need, so much about relationships in general. I learned there’s a lot I didn’t know before I got married…

Also in the last few months, I’ve become the go-to person for all of my friends who have found themselves in similar situations: some divorces, some just regular break ups. Either way, breakups SUCK. Even when you know it’s the right thing to do, it’s still excruciatingly painful to end something you thought was not only going to work, but was going to last forever. I haven’t minded being the one people call on for advice in dealing and healing with their losses. It’s actually helped me in mine.

I don’t have an easy time talking to people when I’m hurt so I tend to hold things in and process slowly, on my own. I didn’t talk about my situation with very many people, but that’s how I roll. When I think it through, on my own time, I get my answer. When I’m ready, I’ll move on.

So for anybody that’s just split (or may be facing a breakup soon),
here’s what I’ve learned thus far.
Hope it helps. 

*You can’t help the way you feel. You can’t change what you feel… no matter how much you might try.
* You can’t help the way your partner feels. You can’t change them… no matter how much you might try.

*Don’t apologize for the way you feel. (Don’t be an asshole about it, but don’t apologize.)

* You have to do what’s best for you. You can attempt to please everybody else and put yourself on the back burner, but eventually it’ll catch up to you and you’ll have to deal with it then. Be true to yourself now.

* Be patient. You don’t have to figure out everything overnight. (This has been the hardest part for me.)

* True love exists. I’ve seen it. Don’t lose faith.

Proof:

* You can’t hurry love. You just have to wait. Thank you, Diana Ross… bitch.

* There are lots of people who care about you and will help you whenever you need.

*Ask for help when you’re ready for it.

*Ask for alone time when you need it.

* If you don’t want to talk about it, don’t.

*Communication is always best. Even when it’s hard, confrontational, awkward, hurtful, etc. Let what you’re thinking be heard. It’ll be easier in the end.

*Sometimes, sad music is good, but there’s only so much Adele you can handle. There will be a time when you need to move on… to the dance mix… and Kelly Clarkson.

* Figure out what you want. Then find somebody that fits/complements that. Not the other way around. 
* Be happy with yourself first, don’t look for somebody to do that for you.

* Just because you two didn’t work as a couple doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. Or them.

* Don’t try to “remain friends” right away. There’s a lot that needs to be dealt with, internally, on both sides. Give that process time. There’s always the future to catch back up, but let the healing happen.

* After the pain, the tears, the adjusting, you’ll be ok. 

And lastly…
* Chin up. 
Don’t worry. 
You’ve got this. 

(Some of these points I already knew, just needed a reminder).

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Filed Under: breakups, divorce, marriage, relationships
06/23

A hard post…

the last time i saw him, we packed up my things
and he smiled like the first time he told me his name
and with cried with each other
we split the blame for the parts that we couldn’t change
pictures, dishes and socks
it’s our whole life down to one box
there he was waving goodbye on the front porch alone
but i was already gone
i won’t go into any details, but my marriage to Conrad is over. he moved back to CA a couple weeks ago and i’m in the process of moving myself and Tango in with a girlfriend… so things are a little hard at the moment. my relationship with him was a wonderful time in my life and i’ll forever be grateful to have spent that time with him. i love him. i will miss him and his family (more than they know). but we will both be ok.
trying to figure out whether to post about this was difficult. it’s nobody’s business but ours, but i figure I may be discussing moving, my future roommate, and life after divorce, so this might clear things up a bit… and perhaps offer guidance to anybody that might be going through the same thing. if any of you feel like you want to chat with somebody, i’m here.
image via
lyrics: Already Gone, by sugarland
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Filed Under: Conrad, divorce, marriage