Scaredy Cat…

I’m going to Greece today!

I have 10 flights over the next 10 days!
4 of them today!
It’s a good thing I don’t hate flying or this would really suck.
#sarcasm

I DO HATE FLYING.

I’ve said it before.

Anybody who knows me knows this.

I also fly nearly every weekend for my job.

Dumb, yes?

Here’s just a little explanation of this:

Before I get started:

I KNOW that flying is safer than driving.

I KNOW that’s it’s faster and more efficient (I’m always for efficiency).

I KNOW that thousands of flights take off each year and there’s hardly ever an accident.

I KNOW that I basically have to suck it up,

get over it, and get on the damn plane…

or I’d have seriously limited travel experience.

I KNOW all these things.

But for whatever reason, I think each time I take a flight, I’m chancing death. This is why I drive if I have to travel anywhere that’s within 6 hours. Even though I’m aware that statistically, I’m more likely to be killed on the freeway than in an aircraft, I’d still rather avoid flying if I can…

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Despite ‘knowing’ all of this,

this is me during take-off,

turbulence,

and landing:

White knuckles all the way…

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The take-off and landings are the scariest.

Because they say that’s when most crashes happen.
It’s bumpy, you’re turning, you’re ascending.
It all seems very unstable to me.

So I board every flight with an arsenal of technological distractions.

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Know what’s great?

The only time you can’t use your distractions

(music, movies, computers, e-readers, etc)

is DURING the scariest parts of the flight!!!

This is why I’m a big fan of planes
that have tv screens on each seat back.
At least you’ve got something to do during these moments.

……

Also:

When you see a plane turning from the ground, it looks like this:

Just a slight angle,

nice and easy.

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When you’re INSIDE a plane and it turns, it feels like this:

Completely sideways!
Unsafe and unnatural.

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WTF?! That big ass machine is not supposed to move like this.

What if a huge wind gust comes along and flips the plane right over?!
I feel like that could happen…

And why do they have to lower the landing gear when we’re still going SO FAST?
The plane slows so much and it feels like everything’s going to rip apart.
I feel like they should slow their roll a bit more before they start that ish.

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And I don’t know how many times I’ve heard that we’re delayed
due to “mechanical issues.”
Are you effing kidding me?
Can you please not announce that there are problems
with the plane I’m about to board?!

All I picture is somebody out there with duct tape, patching it quickly
so they don’t have to hear everybody complaining about being delayed.

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I know they’re trying to keep everybody posted,
but I could do without that tidbit of info.

Lie to us!

Say the captain had diarrhea.
Say there’s bad weather somewhere along the route.
Say somebody puked on the previous flight and they have to clean it up for a bit…

DO NOT TELL ME SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH MY PLANE
and that you’re gonna “fix it up real quick and we’ll be on our way in no time”

I mean, do you want me to freak out like the lady in the Airplane! slapping scene?
(Don’t worry. I won’t. I’m not that bad.)

……

But since I can’t do anything about any of this,
I’ve learned to just sit back,
close my eyes for the first 10 minutes,
~~down a cocktail or two~~
and breathe.